Lingo decoded

In the past few months I have noticed a thoroughly depressing approach to business and the state of our economy in general in Zimbabwe. With the elections looming, (somewhere on the horizon,) the general mood in business and investment is not improving. I hear one negative story after another. Personally, I am finding business upbeat and exciting, but that’s just me!

I like to think of myself as a positive, motivating person, who doesn’t let the outside environment affect my inner peace and sanity. In order to do this, you need to be able to laugh at yourself and learn from your mistakes. With that in mind, I have decided to let you all in on the true meaning of Estate Agents lingo, hopefully my colleagues will forgive me for letting out our trade secrets. It is a time for all of us, to laugh at our situation and not take life so seriously…none of us will get out of it alive anyway!

 So here’s a list of the most popular Realty lingo and what it actually means:

CHARMING/QUAINT - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but the seven dwarfs would have to find their own place.

FIXER UPPER/ RENOVATOR’S DREAM - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money to throw away.

MODERN – Cold tiles, prison like décor and no soul.

COMPLETELY UPDATED – new bathroom tiles, but the same puke pink bathroom fittings.

SOPHISTICATED – dark wood paneling on walls and/ or ceilings, with the stale smell of 20 years of cigar smoke

ARCHITECTURALLY DESIGNED- So that explains the crooked walls and lack of practicality.

YOU'LL LOVE IT - No, you won't.

MUST SEE TO BELIEVE - An absolutely accurate statement. How could anyone live here???

NEEDS TLC – About to collapse, be sure to wear a hard hat when viewing.

PROLIFIC BOREHOLE – you don’t need to buy water…that often.

TWO BOREHOLES – Why? Did the first one run dry?

CLOSE TO SCHOOLS AND SHOPS – Aren’t all houses in Zimbabwe close to schools and shops?! This house must be boring if that’s the only attraction.

PRICED TO SELL – Shouldn’t all property be priced to sell??? This one probably wouldn’t move if you gave it away!

AND MUCH, MUCH MORE - nothing else comes to mind.

HEART OF THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE – The place to be if you like dinner by candle light (due to no ZESA), and minimalist gardens, (due to no water). 

At the end of the day, an Estate Agent’s job is to attract potential buyers to view her listings. So forgive her for the flowery language she uses to pique your interest. Once you see the property, you will either love it or hate it and there won’t be any clever phrases employed by your agent that will change your mind.